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Building Rapport in Social Media: Tapping into Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP)

by at 4:44 pm 2 Comments

Tall bldgOne of the most exciting discoveries in business communication and psychology in the past 30 years has been the development of a communication and rapport-building tool called Neurolinguistic Programming.

If you’re not familiar with NLP, here’s the quick thumbnail. NLP was developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s at the University of Santa Cruz in California. At the time, Bandler was studying for his master’s degree in information sciences and mathematics. Grinder was a professor of linguistics (language). The two discussed how some people are able to “get through to difficult people, and others can’t” and NLP was conceived. It examines the relationships between thought, communication, and behavior. One of the basic definitions of NLP that I like to use in my trainings is that it bridges communication gaps.

The core of NLP focuses on positive outcomes, body language and physiology, the words we use to communicate our experiences, and our mental programming. Top business leaders, politicians and athletes around the world use NLP to build trust and influence. They use it as an internal success tool to visualize positive results in advance. It’s fascinating.

OK, so where does Social Media play into this mix? Obviously you can’t read body language with written blog posts, texts, Tweets, LinkedIn group discussions or on Facebook walls. But the clues and cues to help you build relationships online, engage new people, and connect with your industry leaders and ideal clients are literally right in front of your face.

Here’s how it works. NLP focuses on our five senses, or learning modalities. The three main ones for communication are sight, sound, and feel. While we are dominant in one of these areas, there is always an overlap.

  • Visual – Most people are visual communicators. They learn by seeing and reading. They need to actually see how something is done in order to comprehend it. They use expressions like “Take a look at this” and “I get the picture.”
  • Auditory – Others learn by hearing. They can hear something explained once or twice and have full understanding. These are individuals who prefer audio books and are not couch potatoes who spend time with TV and movies. Auditory people tend to use phrases like “That’s music to my ears” and “That sounds good to me.”
  • Kinesthetic – These folks learn best through touch or feel. Artists and creative people are usually kinesthetic. They may say things like “I get the point” and “I feel comfortable with that plan.”

Think about what kind of communicator you are. If you are a visual communicator and have a face-to-face disagreement with a colleague who is auditory, you will clash. It’s as though you are speaking Spanish and he is speaking French. By listening closely, you can identify your colleague’s main modality and begin to use it in your conversation. You’ll soon be on the same page.

The goal of NLP is to bring people together by finding similarities instead of differences. It’s about positive outcomes and bridging communication gaps.

This holds true of the written/typed words in our Social Media activities. Consider these  examples of phrases used online:

“I love this video”

“Google blurs the line…”

“Let’s touch base”

“Quick overview of”

“UN Chief sees corporate profit…”

“Best advice I’ve heard in a while”

“Looks exciting”

“The way it sounds to me…”

If your ideal client Tweets an article link and writes “Best advice I’ve heard in a while”, he has dropped a clue (the word heard) that he may be an auditory learner. Take a quick minute to read his Profile or a blog post to discover more about his communication.  This is called doing your homework. You can then Retweet him and add “Sounds like a solution for marketing pro’s.” You can also try and engage him one-on-one with a similar auditory response. Another option is to send him a link to a podcast or Teleseminar (audio programs) on a related subject. Bringing the conversation off-line is the goal so you can continue to connect with him.

By being aware of other people’s modalities and shifting your communication to match theirs, you will build trust and a connection. People will feel comfortable with you because you are “like” them. In turn, they will “like” you. NLP calls this practice “modeling” or “mirroring.”

Even though Social Media and other technology often has us speaking in tongue or 140 characters, the basic clues of NLP and building rapport are present.

NLP is the subconscious tool of influence. Social Media is the vehicle to drive that influence.

Filed Under: Blogging, Business, Communication, Interpersonal Relationships, Marketing, networking, NLP, Online Marketing, rapport, Social Media, Writing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

5 Tips to Simplify Your Business Writing

by at 4:56 pm 4 Comments

DSC05372

One of the most critical skills in communication and business is the ability to express yourself in a clear and concise manner. Keeping things simple in our “crazy busy worlds”, where we are inundated with too much information (“TMI”), can be a challenge. If you think it’s difficult to say it simply, writing it can be even tougher. And yes, there are still many people who write more than 140 characters at a time.

Here are 5 tips to simplify your business writing:

1- Clarify in your mind. Before you begin to write anything, whether it’s a letter, report or e-mail, your message must be clear in your mind. If you are confused or overwhelmed with the information, it will be difficult to express it in writing. To get focused, ask yourself: what is the main reason for my correspondence? What is my point? What is my goal? Try this: write down your idea or purpose on the back of your business card. If it doesn’t fit, you’ve got clarity issues.

2- Draft an outline. Pretend you’re in 8th grade Social Studies class and have to write a report. If you’re like me, you had to first draft an outline with topics, main headings and supporting details. By using this proven system and including only key phrases and punchy words, you will quickly be able to make your point. This will also help you include only relevant information.

3- Tell the reader what to expect. If your correspondence is long, introduce the format you will be using in your opening lines. For example, if you’re a bank manager and you’re writing a two-page memo on new security measures, you may want to begin by stating: “The purpose of this memo is to inform all bank staff about new security measures adopted by the Board. The first two sections will address Topics A and B. The remaining three sections will cover Topics C, D and E.” This format will mentally prepare the reader for what’s to come. They will know there are five issues and will have a broad idea of the information that follows.

4- Use bullet points. Bullet points provide white space for the reader and break down separate thoughts and details. They also keep your writing concise and on track. You can limit each point to a few sentences. This will force you to choose your words carefully. We’ve become a society of “skimmers”. Make it easy on the reader.

5- Write to express, not to impress. Your reader will appreciate when you use easy-to-understand language and short sentences. I write the way I speak, conversational, concise and direct (my husband says I am painfully blunt. Hmm..)  I don’t want to send people to the dictionary or confuse them. Be yourself and be simple. It’s a winning formula when it comes to writing.

Finally, review your letter or memo before sending it. I print things out prior to sending them. Reading on a computer screen is different than holding a document in your hand and reading it. I tend to make changes and catch errors when I am reviewing a hard copy. Regardless of whether you read your letter on a screen or on paper, be sure to check it before sharing it with others.

Filed Under: Business, Communication, Interpersonal Relationships, Success, Writing Tagged With: , , ,

5 Tips to Building Sales & Credibility with Vocal Vitality

by at 6:15 pm 3 Comments

microphoneMaking your words come alive is an integral piece of your communication.


Many of you know I was an on-air radio news anchor and news reporter for more than 10 years. In my college broadcasting classes, my favorite professor taught me that radio is “theater of the mind.” He then showed me and my classmates the importance of using our voices and vocal vitality to capture the essence of our words so we could create mental images for our listeners. After all, on the radio, there are no visuals or body language to fall back on. It’s all in the voice. We had to give life to our spoken messages.

Your ability to use your voice to enhance your overall communication is essential. Vocal vitality is important if you are hosting a webinar or teleseminar. It’s important if you are a host or guest on BlogTalkRadio or other broadcasts. It’s important if you produce video blogs. Vocal vitality is also key on conference calls, voicemail messages, in sales, networking and presentations. You don’t have to sound like a blustery game show host to have a vibrant and energetic delivery.

A strong voice exudes confidence, authority, integrity, passion and enthusiasm. It builds instant credibility. A weaker sounding voice can diminish all of the above. The good news is that you can learn how to improve your delivery and vocal habits. Work with what you have. After all, you are the message.

Here are 5 tips to help you:

1. Avoid timidity. If you sound nervous or unsure of yourself, your professional credibility will be on the line. Be sure to lower your voice when completing a sentence. If your voice goes up at the end of the sentence, you sound as if you’re asking a question, not stating a fact. Be strong and confident.

2. Listen to yourself. For the sole purpose of learning, tape record a few casual conversations in your home and on the phone. Let your answering machine or voicemail record your conversation. Pay attention to your inflection, pacing, tone of voice and vocal habits. Critiquing yourself can be a real eye-opener.

3. Emphasize important words. By stressing a key word or phrase, you truly drive your point home. Conversely, emphasizing the wrong word can quickly confuse your  listener. A good way to polish this skill is to pay attention to TV and radio news anchors, and commercials. The announcers don’t plow through their script or newscopy. They pronounce every word carefully and slowly. It becomes an art.

4. Take advantage of silences and pauses. These are especially powerful in business and sales. Many people feel uncomfortable with silence. Silence is critical in sales meetings when you drop the gauntlet and ask your prospect the golden question, “Are you willing to give it a try?”, “Are there any concerns you have that are stopping you from signing the contract”,  or “Are you ready to get started now?” Inserting that pause and moment of silence can make or break the deal.

5. Express passion in your voice. If you sound bored, dull or monotone, the people listening will be bored as well. If you are excited and truly believe in your words and message, you have a great shot at capturing their attention. Enthusiasm is contagious.

The two cornerstones of success are excellent communication skills and self-confidence. Improving your vocal vitality will help you to succeed in these areas.


(Photo Credit: Manuel Marin)

Filed Under: Business, Communication, Interpersonal Relationships, Leadership, networking, Self-Confidence, Success, Webinars Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 Signs that Social Media Has Taken Over the World

by at 12:16 pm 1 Comment

The world spider

I break from my usual blogging theme of communication and public relations to bring you “The 21 Signs that Social Media Has Taken Over the World”:

  1. Your baby is born in the hospital and the nurse asks,  ”What’s the baby’s handle so we can fill out his birth certificate?”
  2. The sign on the restaurant door says: “No shirt, no shoes, no gadgets, no service.”
  3. The new name for Hide and Seek is “Foursquare.”
  4. The phrase “He’s all thumbs” is considered a huge compliment for a fast texter.
  5. Every house with kids in it proudly displays their Avatars on the mantle in the den; no one seems to recall what a school picture is.
  6. Wikipedia as we know it is gone; it’s just a bunch of links.
  7. “The New Testament” is now the 10-set volume of Gary Vaynerchuk’s ”Crush It” series. It’s a wonderful source for kids in Sunday school classes every week.  Only second of course to “The Bible.”
  8. No one talks anymore. We simply chat.
  9. When someone says “Smile for the picture”, you immediately think :)
  10. Your 6-year -old adoringly pleads at bedtime, “Please tell me that story again about The Three Wise Men: Chris Brogan,  Tom Peters, and Seth Godin.”
  11. Gadgets like the iPhone have gone the way of eight track tapes.
  12. Kids laugh at their parents when we describe how Tweetdeck worked.
  13. On special occasions, family dinner means Grandma shares her story, “When I was your age and had to Tweet from my Blackberry, we paid $12 to see the Avatar movie in 3D and got these silly glasses….”
  14. When someone says “Beam me up Scotty”, they really mean it.
  15. When you go through the security check at airports, everyone beeps. We’re all wired and chipped. TSA who?
  16. The bumper stickers that say “Honk If You Love Country Music” have been replaced with “Tweet If You Love Blip.fm” – and no one ever gets a ticket.
  17. The board game Scrabble now has pieces with .ly and http://
  18. Phone books and libraries are obsolete.  There’s one book that matters: The Book of Links.
  19. No one discusses the difference between bloggers and journalists because the last newspaper went to “Newspaper Heaven.”
  20. Baby bibs that used to say “Spit Happens”  now read “Spam Happens, IMHO”
  21. Mashable tops the newest version of the 7 Wonders of the World.

And I can’t figure out why I don’t sleep at night. Hmmm. :)


(Photo Credit: Tristan27)

Filed Under: Blogging, Communication, News, Random, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , ,

Doing Better On Twitter: 3 Tips To Tweet By

by at 11:52 am 1 Comment

I am happy to welcome Guest Blogger Mike Stenger. We invite you to leave a comment!

Mike StengerTwitter is an interesting place. Who would have thought short exchanges of information, whether it’s about your latest blog post or even just saying hey to someone, could be such a wonderful and amazing concept. Many of us use Twitter and there are  questions I hear all the time…How Do I Get More Followers?, How Do I Get People to ReTweet My Stuff? and How Do I Get Others To Reply To Me/Engage With Me?

Questions that are originally asked with the idea that the answer is complex or some elusive “secret” that only the greatest social media expert guru rockstars (yes, that’s all one word), know about. Surprisingly, it couldn’t be further from the truth. And once you realize that the answers mostly just rely on effective communication skills and human psychology, the answers aren’t far away at  all.

Let’s look into the short and sweet yet highly effective version, or should I say answer, to the three questions above.

The first is to understand that in any part of life, online or offline, the quickest and best way to get to where you want to go is to build relationships.

With a lot of this social media shift, quite a few businesses and companies think that sites such as Twitter and Facebook are there just to pitch and sell your customers. Uh uh. The real money, the real connections, and the real dedication to your brand are found in building genuine relationships. When you build authentic relationships and actually care about that other person, hard telling how far it can go and how profitable that interaction can become.

You don’t sell, sell, sell…you communicate like you’re a friend, someone that they talk to on a daily basis. The majority of society responds best to informal conversation, not all this business mumbo jumbo or “Hey, click here to buy this!” We all want a friend, not a salesperson.

Second, getting others to share your content and what you have to say starts not in you just interacting with them and engaging them in meaningful and helpful conversations. It’s about sharing their content when you get the chance. We all love recognition. To deny that is to deny the very part that makes you human. So for you to get recognition, you must not only interact and engage, but take the extra step and give others recognition as often as possible.

Of course there are tools to gain new followers but you’ve got to start with the foundations. And honestly, 99.9% of true followers are not gained through automated systems, they’re gained through meaningful conversations.

Third, engagement and interaction are the keys to success on Twitter. I don’t care how great your posts are or how great you think your Tweets are. It will not grow your following like gangbusters by plugging in Twitterfeed or other technology. You’ve got to engage and have natural conversations. Be a friend and talk like a friend. People first, profits second. Start up conversations on a consistent basis. Encourage participation and participate back by interacting as well as sharing what others have to say.

That’s how you do social media and that’s how all of us should do it everyday.


About Mike Stenger: Mike Stenger is a social media consultant and crazy passionate about the Internet and business. Visit MikeStenger.com or follow him on Twitter via @mikestenger

Filed Under: Blogging, Business, Communication, Marketing, Online Marketing, rapport, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Bridging Communication Gaps: 20 Ways to Improve Your Interpersonal Relationships

by at 8:52 pm 18 Comments

Mind the gap“Play nice!”  Every person over the age of 18 has either heard this shriek from their parents or spewed these words to their own little ones.

Sometimes business professionals need a polite reminder to “play nice.” Meetings, projects, challenging work environments, personality clashes, generational gaps, and shrinking budgets, (throw in personal stress, too)  can wreak havoc on our communication skills and interpersonal relationships.

I want to share 20 tips with you to ease communication strife and help people function more effectively.

1.  Give someone a break. You may not agree with them, but you can consider that “other things” may be going on in their world that you are not aware of.

2. Avoid looking at a disagreement or gap with the mindset that there will be a winner and a loser. Instead focus on what both parties want and how you can achieve a positive outcome for everyone involved. This is called a compromise.

3. Leave your ego at the door. When you can navigate issues and challenges at work without taking things personally, everyone benefits.

4. Be open to other opinions. This may come as a shock, but you don’t know everything. Neither do I. Listen without judgment. Be open to new ideas, perspectives, insights and information.

5. Choose your words carefully. Whether you’re in a meeting or sending a group email, communicate with words and opinions that you will not be ashamed of in an hour or a week. Hasty communication can spell trouble.

6. Look for similarities. Don’t focus on what is dividing you. Instead work to find common ground that will bring people together.

7.  Ask good questions. The core reason for the conflict may be buried. You will only get to the the heart of the matter and be able to work through it if you can politely uncover the root of the issue. Avoid interrogating and go for curious.

8. Forget about raising your voice. The only time you should yell is if the building is on fire. If someone else raises their voice, lower yours. It’s a powerful communication tool that can ease tension.

9.  Slow down the conversation. This will enable you to digest what is being discussed without having to rush to answer or possibly misspeak.

10. Work with the facts. Don’t make assumptions.

11. Begin sentences with the word “I.”  When you start a sentence with the  word “You”, people automatically become defensive.

12. Admit when you are wrong. Own up to your mistake, apologize, and move on. This is what adults do.

13. Avoid emotional words such as “believe” and “love” when describing your position or opinion. This is business, not a soap opera. Ladies: there are scary statistics on women who choke up or cry in the  office. Bring the drama to the restroom and recover in private. For everyone’s sake.

14. Agree to take a break if necessary. If you seem to be at a stalemate (it’s great if you can agree you are stuck!), suggest a 5 minute break to get fresh air, and then resume your discussion. One note: Be sure to get back to your conversation in a timely manner. Postponing it won’t close the gap.

15.  Try not to interrupt. Allow people to finish their thoughts and sentences. You’ll get your turn. One voice at a time.

16. Smile. The expression you wear on your face can be more powerful than your words.

17. Cut to the chase. Ask the loaded question, ”What is the the outcome you’re looking for?”  Be sure to listen to the response.

18. Show compassion. Empathy, congeniality, and thoughtfulness (Emotional Intelligence) are critical life skills.  

19.  Pay attention to verbal cues and clues. We communicate through our senses or modalities. People are generally visual, auditory, or kinesthetic communicators. If the other person is visual (says things like “I’m not looking at it that way”), and you respond in an auditory modality with, “”That doesn’t sound right”, you are speaking different languages.  Once you communicate in the same modality, you’ll be able to build rapport.

20. Listen first, then respond. Don’t be distracted thinking about your answer while the other person is speaking. Be courteous and hear them out. Then take a moment to gather your thoughts and respond.

The key is to focus on a solution that’s best for your company.


(Photo Credit: Fray_Bentos91)

Filed Under: Business, Communication, Interpersonal Relationships, rapport Tagged With: , , , ,