I’ve been studying a cutting-edge communication and conflict resolution model called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. DBT addresses communication and listening skills, mindfulness, rapport, and Emotional Intelligence (compassion, empathy, and assertive communication). In a book titled Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook, the authors identify 10 ways that people sabotage their effective listening abilities.
Do these listening blocks sound familiar?
- Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person feels and thinks without asking.
- Rehearsing. Planning what you want to say next and missing what’s being said now.
- Filtering. Listening only to things that are relevant to you and ignoring the rest (even if it’s important to the other person).
- Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than really trying to understand how they see the world.
- Daydreaming. Getting caught in memories or fantasies while someone is talking to you.
- Advising. Looking for suggestions and solutions instead of listening and understanding.
- Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing and debating.
- Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication that suggests you are wrong or should change.
- Derailing. Flat out changing the subject as soon as you hear anything that bothers or threatens you.
- Placating. Agreeing too quickly (“I know …you’re right…I’m sorry”) without really listening to the other person’s feelings or concerns.
Guilty??? Not to worry. Being aware of your own habits and these 10 blocks can help improve your listening skills. To me, the best gift you can give someone is the gift of your attention.
(Photo Credit: Tourist on Earth)
Very good stuff! I can certainly see some of these blocks within myself. I really like the last sentence, “the best gift you can give someone is the gift of your attention.” It reminds me of a quote someone told me once…Love is unselfishly choosing for the highest good of another. Thanks Susan!
I appreciate your candor Bryan. I too am guilty as charged! Thanks for sharing your quote on “the highest good.” So true
Susan
Thanks. I enjoy reading your blogs. Always interesting and important in being a better person.
Great column Susan. I wanted to suggest that one of the best things I ever did to improve my listening skills was joining a local Toastmasters group. I know people think of Toastmasters just for improving their speaking skills, but there are so many roles in the meeting that require you to listen.
Great column. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Chuck,
That’s an excellent point! I am a fan of Toastmasters and have to agree, the speaking is definitely connected to listening—and vice versa. I am glad you pointed that out
Best regards,
Susan
Susan, what an insightful post! One aspect of listening that will make the blocks crumble is the emotion of empathy. When the person talking believes that we are sincerely focused on understanding their perspective, it opens them to our perspective. It’s also important to step outside our perspective and theirs, so that we activate objectivity.
Again, insightful post! I look forward to the next one.
Wishing you and yours incredible success,
Ron
Emotions definitely cloud communication. Thank you for your comment Ron!
Cheers~ Susan